Wow, have I been busy these last few weeks!!! After Tromsø I went back to Stockholm, then through Helsinki to St Petersburg in Russia before traveling to Poland via the Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania spending an average of only 2.5 days in each city!! Significantly, I also reached both the northernmost and easternmost limits of my travel (Tromsø and St. Petersburg), and now it’s definitely time to schedule in a few days off!!
It’s been a very fruitful time. Very good but quite difficult at the same time. So many amazing experiences, discoveries and revelations, but most of the time I have no-one to share them with, which is really hard. I started trying to write it all down here but realised it’s impossible. Even chosing ONLY a handful of photos is difficult! Each one tells a story, and there are too many to tell… So I’ll just pick one example that touches on a few themes for me recently. Everything relates back to having the confidence and courage to overcome fear.
I would already describe myself as quite a ‘self-confident’ person, but in the last week I’ve realised I’ve got a LONG way to go!! It’s hard to explain. Previously I’ve been comfortable standing up for my beliefs, confident within my own appearance, unashamed of my weaknesses. But there is (at least) one very significant thing I lack. I need to learn how to embrace and be proud of my desires.
I discovered a step I missed between knowing what you want and asking for what you want. And that step is OWNING your desire. If I am ashamed of my need, it makes it very difficult to ask. And even MORE difficult, if not impossible, to persuade anyone else that it’s a GOOD thing, if I don’t even believe it myself.
So recently I’ve realised there are several things that I don’t freely ‘admit’ to liking. Starting to OWN them feels like I’m ‘coming out’ in a way. To acknowledge that which is within myself and to recognise it without shame. An incredibly freeing experience!!
But enough abstract talk – time for that example I was talking about.
Swimming has been a big theme for me recently. I jump in the water every chance I get. Especially in Scandinavia. It symbolises freedom to me somehow. I am still inspired by a friend in Norway, who last year spontaneously took (most of ) her clothes and jumped in the water while walking through something like the royal gardens. Why not?! I could think of a dozen reasons. It’s cold, it’s a public park, you don’t have swim wear, or a towel, or any other way to dry off, you’ve been off work sick with a cold, and we have a medium walk back out of the park before catching the bus home!! But still, for her, the spirit of ‘why not’ prevailed. I was so envious of that spirit, and now I feel I am finally beginning to embrace it (like I ‘wished’ I could for so long). Turns out there is only one way to overcome fear and hesitation – just DO it. Make a decision and then ACT on it. Prove to yourself there is nothing to fear.
As another friend said to me. Why be afraid? If you get wet you can always get dry. If you get dirty you can always get clean. Don’t… worry…
So, with that in mind, when I was hiking though the mountains just north of Tromsø, I came across a little lake. It was nice and sunny and on top of the ridge I had a view of the sea on three sides!! But I was COLD due to the wind, and had no desire to add being WET into the mix, especially without even so much as a towel. Is it even safe to jump into a random pool of water, alone, 2hrs hike from the nearest help? I hesitated for a while, but then released this was something I just HAD to do. I’d had the idea. I have to DO it! When was I going to get this opportunity again? Stop being afraid of what MIGHT happen!
So I sat down to collect myself. I decided that I had decided. No turning back or chickening out. Just do it. It can’t be that bad. It can’t be that cold. It won’t be for that long.
So I took off my clothes, slowly exposing my skin to the cold wind. Then, still a little afraid of what might be IN there, I stepped hesitantly into the cold water and finally jumped when it was deep enough.
I did it!! All that anxiety for nothing!! I thought to myself while thrashing about wildly trying to get used to the cold water. It wasn’t THAT cold actually, but too cold to get comfortable so once I felt like I’d sufficiently fulfilled my promise to myself I climbed out to dry off.
But after the water, the air didn’t feel the slightest bit cold! On the contrary, as maybe you could imagine, standing naked in the sun on top of a mountain at the end of the world was actually a really GOOD feeling! I had so much energy! I was so ALIVE! And to think I nearly just walked past because I was afraid to be cold!!
Full of energy the next minutes were full of selfies and timed action shots jumping into the water. This was SUCH a good experience, but writing this is the first time I’ve really tried to express it to anyone. Writing it to you may not seem all that significant – but it really feels like the ‘coming out’ experience I was talking about.
For example, I REALLY LOVE one picture in particular of myself that day at the top of the mountain. It’s possibly my favourite of my whole trip so far! I’m excited about it. I can’t believe how good it turned out! I want to tell everyone who will listen! But for some reason I’m really hesitant to say ‘hey, wanna see a really awesome naked photo I took of myself at the top of a mountain?’
But why do I hesitate? It’s clearly not because of the photo itself – but because if I showed the photo I would have to explain the story. I would have to admit to LIKING being naked in nature. Which is something, that, for whatever reason, I have not felt comfortable expressing. And my own fear of judgement was preventing me from being free. This is why I am now trying to publicly embrace my desires. I don’t want to be ashamed to admit that I am on the lookout for similar opportunities in the future. And indeed I’ve found many in the last few weeks! Everything from swimming in secluded coves on Swedish islands and running naked into the sea on the main beach of Estonia’s ‘summer capital’, to a ‘family’ sauna session (mum, dad, and two kids) complete with a dip in the pond, birch leaf massages, and some nude stargazing in the cool night air of the Latvian countryside.
ALL of these experiences were amazing and taught me so much about confidence, fear and freedom. And perhaps more importantly, how to just ENJOY LIFE!!!
And, an even greater feeling than DOING these things is to feel confident to publicly acknowledge them. Or at least NOT to feel in any way ashamed or worried what some people might think. I have no reason to believe that those who love me would suddenly cease to do so, just because I choose to show my true self. Part of BEING myself is SHOWING myself. I cannot just be ‘myself’ on the inside.
There are several other things that I’ve been hesitant to admit to ‘liking’, but I don’t need to write to you about all of them. I don’t need to parade them in front of the world. It’s enough for me to know for myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
This brings to mind one of my sayings from a few years back.
‘Once you are honest with others, only then can you be honest with yourself’
It seems to me that owning my own desire is a crucial step to being honest about what I WANT.
It feels like I’ve turned so many corners recently and everything is coming together so perfectly that I could talk/write about it forever. BUT, I think I’d better stop there lest I lose you completely in the recesses of my mind…
I really hope some of this makes sense to you as well 🙂
Peace,
Until next time…
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